Change is constant. Even in places where the weather stays warm a cycle of life is occurring. In the desert of Arizona the winter and early spring showers can be the difference in seeing a beautiful dry brown earth turn into an array of wildflowers, birds and animals skittering around the desert. The brief but colorful blooms of cactus plants, globe mallow are just a few of the plants that create the awe of high deserts in central Arizona.
Lately I’ve been coming in contact with people from my past I am amazed at how different we all show up. I reconnected with an ex from my past a four weeks ago. We were lovers for four years. At that time I had not learned how to ask for my needs or allow others room to breathe. Yes I can say I was needy, egotistical and very insecure as a person. So of course you draw where you at is what my dear friend in Indiana constantly says. I know old mothers of the church said the same thing, in other words but what did they know? At fifteen who listens to people older than twenty, well they are laughing at me now. I hope so in a good humor way. I understand now the patience it took to be around me and even listen to my childish chatter.
It is good when you can view your past from a hilltop perspective looking down at the arrangement and positions you once occupied. It was a good visit I must say. I enjoyed the laughter and catching up. It was like old times and yet new times for me because I am me today with no apologize. I had been trying to get back in touch with this person for two years. I dreamed of her constantly during this time and I knew it we I/we needed to connect. I mailed letters to the address but no one answered me.
So during a trip to DC for the inauguration I stopped by where she use to lived and found out she still was living at the same address. My happiness and excitement during our visit made me forget a few questions pressing on my mind. Like didn’t you get my letters? We laughed and chatted and made connection after the inauguration talking about the feelings and excitement of it all. Before I left we exchanged numbers hugs and let’s stay in touch etiquette.
What is happening next is one of the many break downs in being open and vulnerable despite what life throws at you. It isn’t easy and to do it with grace like Zelda Lockhart constantly does takes patience which I lost what little I had in the Arizona desert. So you know for me it is work. It is screaming, calling up friends who let me vent for fifteen minutes and then get to the real questions. What was the outcome you desired? What is next?
So my ex calls me back after I blew up her phone for four straight days sometimes calling twice in one day. She said “don’t take it personal but she doesn’t return phone calls for about a week unless you say it’s an emergency. Most of her friends now she is that way.” Well four years of living together and I never knew. She is being sincere and I know it. We talked briefly since and one day we will actually have a conversation beyond five minutes.
My envisioned scenario was a rekindled friendship. Chit chats on the phone twice a week and emails at least three times a week and planning get togethers camping, cycling and another one of those friends I saw sitting on the porch later in life laughing about our adventures.
I believe people are living and expressing out of either one of these two emotions. Fear and love. Coming out of love keeps us open and tuned to the universe and going forward with the question what is next? It isn’t to be answered with a list of to do’s or actually the five year plan to be rich by twenty-one. It is answered on the winds of change, being tuned into life as it is happening now, stopping to smell, pick and seed flowers, trees and anything that will heal our planet. It is answered doing what we love with the passion of a two year old who discovers crayons and the big empty space of a living room wall, the mother seeing the humor in finding it marked up and leaving it for more drawings and exploration. It is found in loving people who dislike you because of the peace around you and so they must disturb it because it just can’t be true that you are this happy and so you knowingly understand accept where they are and continue to keep your hands and heart open.
Fear…..it shows up being stuck and desperately holding on to what you have even if it is killing you slowly and softly. It is desiring change but don’t want to change to have change. It is afraid of taking chances unless someone can tell you the outcome and guarantee it too. Doubt, criticisms of things not understood, unwillingness to just accept. It is a society that asks, “How are you doing?” and keeps going before you can answer. It is indifference to the needs of the poor, the homosexuals indifferent to the bisexual or transgender and it goes on….indifference to rich white people, black or Latino who made it or didn’t make it and we can’t talk or share because you might actually cross my line I have drawn in the sand for you.
This reminds me of the parable in the Bible when the brides groom parents prepared a feast for his friends to honor the wedding of his son. So he sent out invitations to friends and family and no one showed up. So he sent word out to strangers, beggars, poor and the needy people who didn’t know him showed up and honored him and sat at his table and feasted. (My interpreted version)
Folks living life out loud welcome. Space is available on the porch. It is a wrap around southern plantation porch with large columns and weeping willow and popular trees scattered about in the yard. Guaranteed fishing trips, late night chit chats about nothing and everything with humor and gut wrenching laughter promised. We serve southern tea and lemonade too. Vulnerable, passionate people living life out loud please stop by.
Lately I’ve been coming in contact with people from my past I am amazed at how different we all show up. I reconnected with an ex from my past a four weeks ago. We were lovers for four years. At that time I had not learned how to ask for my needs or allow others room to breathe. Yes I can say I was needy, egotistical and very insecure as a person. So of course you draw where you at is what my dear friend in Indiana constantly says. I know old mothers of the church said the same thing, in other words but what did they know? At fifteen who listens to people older than twenty, well they are laughing at me now. I hope so in a good humor way. I understand now the patience it took to be around me and even listen to my childish chatter.
It is good when you can view your past from a hilltop perspective looking down at the arrangement and positions you once occupied. It was a good visit I must say. I enjoyed the laughter and catching up. It was like old times and yet new times for me because I am me today with no apologize. I had been trying to get back in touch with this person for two years. I dreamed of her constantly during this time and I knew it we I/we needed to connect. I mailed letters to the address but no one answered me.
So during a trip to DC for the inauguration I stopped by where she use to lived and found out she still was living at the same address. My happiness and excitement during our visit made me forget a few questions pressing on my mind. Like didn’t you get my letters? We laughed and chatted and made connection after the inauguration talking about the feelings and excitement of it all. Before I left we exchanged numbers hugs and let’s stay in touch etiquette.
What is happening next is one of the many break downs in being open and vulnerable despite what life throws at you. It isn’t easy and to do it with grace like Zelda Lockhart constantly does takes patience which I lost what little I had in the Arizona desert. So you know for me it is work. It is screaming, calling up friends who let me vent for fifteen minutes and then get to the real questions. What was the outcome you desired? What is next?
So my ex calls me back after I blew up her phone for four straight days sometimes calling twice in one day. She said “don’t take it personal but she doesn’t return phone calls for about a week unless you say it’s an emergency. Most of her friends now she is that way.” Well four years of living together and I never knew. She is being sincere and I know it. We talked briefly since and one day we will actually have a conversation beyond five minutes.
My envisioned scenario was a rekindled friendship. Chit chats on the phone twice a week and emails at least three times a week and planning get togethers camping, cycling and another one of those friends I saw sitting on the porch later in life laughing about our adventures.
I believe people are living and expressing out of either one of these two emotions. Fear and love. Coming out of love keeps us open and tuned to the universe and going forward with the question what is next? It isn’t to be answered with a list of to do’s or actually the five year plan to be rich by twenty-one. It is answered on the winds of change, being tuned into life as it is happening now, stopping to smell, pick and seed flowers, trees and anything that will heal our planet. It is answered doing what we love with the passion of a two year old who discovers crayons and the big empty space of a living room wall, the mother seeing the humor in finding it marked up and leaving it for more drawings and exploration. It is found in loving people who dislike you because of the peace around you and so they must disturb it because it just can’t be true that you are this happy and so you knowingly understand accept where they are and continue to keep your hands and heart open.
Fear…..it shows up being stuck and desperately holding on to what you have even if it is killing you slowly and softly. It is desiring change but don’t want to change to have change. It is afraid of taking chances unless someone can tell you the outcome and guarantee it too. Doubt, criticisms of things not understood, unwillingness to just accept. It is a society that asks, “How are you doing?” and keeps going before you can answer. It is indifference to the needs of the poor, the homosexuals indifferent to the bisexual or transgender and it goes on….indifference to rich white people, black or Latino who made it or didn’t make it and we can’t talk or share because you might actually cross my line I have drawn in the sand for you.
This reminds me of the parable in the Bible when the brides groom parents prepared a feast for his friends to honor the wedding of his son. So he sent out invitations to friends and family and no one showed up. So he sent word out to strangers, beggars, poor and the needy people who didn’t know him showed up and honored him and sat at his table and feasted. (My interpreted version)
Folks living life out loud welcome. Space is available on the porch. It is a wrap around southern plantation porch with large columns and weeping willow and popular trees scattered about in the yard. Guaranteed fishing trips, late night chit chats about nothing and everything with humor and gut wrenching laughter promised. We serve southern tea and lemonade too. Vulnerable, passionate people living life out loud please stop by.
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