It happens in the split second of an eye. I've studied how dwarf stars turn into stars in an instant. I remember my astronomy teacher said it's like quantum physics. It just happens like a snap of the finger.
A year ago I was carefree living life on my terms and just doing what I desired. Playing in national parks for a living and making steps to tell my stories more vividly. That is until a split second. A blink of the eye I saw death comes not like a thief in the night. It came eyes wide open. It made a statement. How so simple it is to walk in and out of life. It patiently waits. It is the Job of life. So I watched it transform a friendship into the past, it turns my carefree life into the question mark. When will I let it go? When will I move on?
Peace is all I ever desired in life. Peace to play with tadpoles until sundown. Peace to be different to be that child who likes trees more than dresses, who desires a daddy more than Christmas but will take a transistor radio if offered. That child who laughed, giggled and never desires to quit. To grow up and not be told I'm too black, too intimidating for asking for what I desire. I want to be outdoors some where in a cabin doing nothing.
I question my existence because I see it clear now. I see it will end and now that I do have some answers I want time. Yes time to see the Himalayans, to catch the fall foliage in New England. I want more grandchildren so my lineage can never die out. I want immortality. I want to hear that some pill, some ingenious kid has found the life elixir and its on sale for 19.99. Midlife crisis maybe. Or maybe I have people in my life I love. I got peace to make with people I have wronged. I have amends to announce to long gone friends I harassed on maligned out of youth and stupidity. I have a list beside the bucket list of "can I get what I said back twenty years ago."
This can sound like the ramblings of a person with too much time on her hands. I know it to be writings of a person who suddenly doesn't know. All the answers evaporated in that instant. That blink of eye when I saw my son as a man. The moment when a friend needed space, that moment when I realized setting a person aside in your life to deal with "issues" has bigger consequences than figuring out your own life problems. Time didn't stop, questions linger of what do I do when the one person who gets me is gone. I got how lonely he must have felt when I took a time out of from him. Not realizing I was the only one left that spoke truth in his ear. I get it universe. My deaf ears hear your screams.
This summer sitting in the carport with my partner's parents I got an earful. My partner's father is the real chick a roo. He is funny yet serious. Mr. Langlois, being retired he loves his family and home. I think his grandchildren and cutting the grass perfectly run neck and neck. Sitting out listening to the frogs he got to talking about life and his latest conversation with the Pastor. He said he told the pastor at the Wednesday evening men's bible study he wasn't ready to go to heaven his words were "how I know there are streets paved with gold. It might just be bricks. Besides I know what got down here, family, his grandchildren and home. I likes it down here. I knows what here but for real all of that could be just made up. It might not be any heaven or gates at all. Nah I take this down here." Now I'm telling you the truth he said to the pastor the others are thinking but just don't want to say it. I laughed until I cried.
I'm laughing more today. I'm loving and forgiving more willingly today. I'm letting go of what happened in high school, boot camp and whatever mess I have held on for too long. I'm loving life seriously and carefree is counted in the minutes I can get with my grandchild. My fear is my next life. I will not remember this one and the people I love. My next act I don't get to take these memories with me when I drop back down in this hemisphere. I want to know. I want to come back and look up my children, grandchildren. I want to check it out see how everyone is getting along. I'm just saying like the youth do today. I'm saying what whispers in our ears as we put on the mantle of elder. As we stand with one leg one the edge of the adult box and the other shifting to older but not old box. It is a paradox to be in transition of what. What am I chasing? Time, life, memories, maybe me.
Still finding room in my skin, still sliding into home.
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www.openspacesexploration.org
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