I sit here writing this just before I go on a month vacation. It is needed and nothing I had planned is going to happen. Much has happened since I made plans last summer to go to Asia. I thought my current career would give me three months off; I thought working on a Masters wasn't going to be stressful because I love writing. I thought a lot of things and none of them came out as planned. I realize all writing is stressful including screenwriting and my first love which is short story and storytelling is being neglected. Rewriting is the key to a successful writing career. I struggle with writing because I lack an attention sI'm listening to Anthony Hamilton a new soul brother singing in the southern gospel blues flavor enjoying my day off and cleaning my home. Home. I have lived all over the United States and I long for home. Is it internal? Is it a physical place I embody? Is this why I feel I must be moving, doing, shaking relentlessly. Why can't I be content? Why didn't I marry Charles Abbott? Did it have something to do with my alternative lifestyle and the church? All of this ran through my mind in endless streams of consciousness. I'm not going to answer or dwell on. It is. I lost a great friend and light in this universe. Her smile and unconditional love was the balm in my Gilead. This desert, this place with no soul or culture for me to identify to or with. It can be just as plastic as Hollywood. Knowing her healed so much in my life and transformed it. She is that drop in the water that rippled across oceans moving like a tsunami firm, peaceful purposefully always, always with love. Margo my friend has left me adrift with many questions that rock my faith, my sense of purpose of how important is all of this anyway? I tear up still. It has me looking, longing for home. A place where I can walk amongst my garden, a place where grandchildren run and play and folks can stop over for the evening and lay there burdens at the door. A corner to sit and look out the window knowing I'm comforted in the midst of the cosmic upheaval that resides beyond my door. When I thought I had three months off I smiled in glee knowing I had time to write and sample Asia at my leisure. Funding was found and now these next four weeks are precious. I'm going home to be with my siblings for July 4 to just come together in one place. Where it all begin in Danville, Virginia. It is bitter sweet the memories so we plan to write our own that is full of love, laughter and peace. Peace is important to me. I swore my home off the day I left. I never wanted to see it or live there again. I disliked the smallness of minds I encountered there. Growing up was painful for a child who just wanted to be left alone. I found being the smallest girl with divorced parents stood out in a place where marriages stayed in tack if only for looks. I thank my parents for reality and living real lives. It prepared me for life. What I never got use to was being treated as others, family secrets, lies and how it warped my perception of knowing.
Yet with fresh eyes I can go home with my worldly sense of knowing that humanity is not lost just slumbering. Forgiveness is a staple in my vocabulary as well as my life. I desire to be home within myself. I can create home as I envision it that encompasses this family I claim. Back to the writing. I'm doing it despite myself and the self doubt that masquerades as procrastination. I look forward to being still, breathing, writing connecting with my purposeful life.
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