I'm going into very vulnerable territory in this article. I'm going to speak on my experience as a single parent and just a parent. First I must address a visit from nephew Issiah. He is an inquisitive teenager who is seeing his world through innocent eyes of old wisdom. I get him totally. Teenagers in high school, actually starting in middle school begin to define themselves. They begin to logically think or not about who they are, how they are going to express themselves through clothes, music, style even hair along with the crowd they decide to hang out with. My nephew is not any different. He wants answers to questions and the things he sees at home that aren't being talked about. He desires to know what is wrong with his father. A man who is dedicated to his children but works long hours and falls asleep at the drop of hat. I'm sure in Issiah's mind seeing other people and watching them he knows this is not normal. Issiah has questions about everything. On a four hour trip to our family reunion in Baltimore he had none stop questions about every aspect of life. He wanted to why people speed down streets, why doesn't his father get his toes looked after, who is Mitt Romney and why most the kids in his school like him. Or it went on about animals, his desire to be an officer in the military. I could tell no one is having life conversations with him. He desires knowledge about life. I realized in the time we spent together as much as his father does for him their is much to be desired. He needs exposure to the world. My brother is a good guy. He lives thirty minutes from where we grew up. He has worked manufactured jobs all his life. These jobs required him to work long hours and when he gets home he cooked and cleaned for his family since his wife was ill. Now the first thing is to feel sympathy. At one time I did empathize with his situation. He is divorced now and that is another story. As a black male my brother unfortunately is not preparing his sons for life beyond what he knows. It's not on purpose I don't believe that it is more about what is comfortable and convenient. He is so busy providing a roof, food and clothing for his sons through work he has forgotten about quality of life.
His sons love him dearly. They have the utmost respect for him as well. They know and understand the sacrifices of their dad has made on a daily basis to ensure they grew up in a safe home and environment. He has stuck by them through divorce and has full custody of his children. As an aunt I can say he has done a wonderful job raising his boys. As a mother of my son I can say I struggled at best even with the best intentions. I look at my son's decsisions and wonder many times why he chose them. It isn't the value system I desired to instill and yet I must look honestly at the results. I believe it lies mainly in the fact of not having a father daily in his life. Yes he had great father figures but at the end of the day he saw his mother go off to work and provide for family and his well being. It is the only rational step to see woman as the ones who provide and seek out such partners.
There is nothing wrong with this when it is done from a healthy authentic place of well being. There is a lot wrong when emotionally damaged individuals and those who are yet ready for responsibility create new life with no means to take care of themselves. I don't know my son's rational to create a baby with a woman who had two children,just a high school diploma working at Biscuitville and he had no job since being fired from the bread factory. When I sit down thinking of it with a cup of tea looking out to the horizon of the desert floor it still baffles me. Like generations of elders before me I'm learning not to judge or give unwanted advice. We love our grandchildren and try to give them the chances both parents missed or just didn't take.
Communicating with my son is a dance around the elephants in the room. I know now to acknowledge what is, is to create dead silence on the other end of the phone or an abrupt end to the conversation. Today to have a relationship we deal mainly with things about the children and nothing else. He is afraid to say what is on his mind and I know to say what is on my mind will likely be taken as criticism rarely can his objective hearing hear beyond this is just another sermon or lecture from my mother. How did we get here? I said this would be intimate territory. I believe when it comes to my nephews developing into reliable men they have a bigger possibility than my son. I must say with the support of his grandmother I did raise my son to be a man. What I have learned and come to recognize is that men raise men. I know many single parents who have done a lot to ensure their sons didn't turn out to be a statistic. My son grew up in the suburbs and country. I know today my no-nonsense nature as well as given him the opportunity to live with less rules didn't support his development mentally. My frank and impatient nature played into many roles as to why we are here today. Yet I changed as he developed and I found myself realizing what works and doesn't as he got into his teenage years.
I believe my son got the message through my ability to succeed, determination to work and get things done that he couldn't do what I did or even close. He is a great person and has a nice family. I love my grandchild and the children that came with his relationship. Yet it is this relationship that teeters on the brink constantly. Unlike Issiah who can't wait to get from under his father's shadow, my son is so dependent on women who can do for him. The dynamics of his relationship is mind boggling. Here is a young man who is talented and the potential to be superstar, stocking shelves at night at Walmart. I'm glad he is working and supporting his family yet I know it is not enough. I don't think it is the vision he had or imagined for himself or the people he loved. The thing I tried to instill more than anything which is courage and faith are the things my son sometimes lack. He like my brother are afraid of change and the unknown. They are McGraw men caught in a cycle I see Issiah desperately trying to break free of. Going where the McGraw women dare and daring themselves to be something bigger than what is expected. I get how frightened my son is of not succeeding so just getting by is better than failure. My brother who knows Issiah is different is busy working and what time he does has is between the sleep he needs to work the late shift. In the meantime his health suffers and his sons worry and ask me questions about prevention.
With Issiah's announcement of not eating meat my brother took afront to it instead of just listening. As a person who cooks and puts the food on the table I'm sure he felt like you better eat this after the time I took to cook it.
This has more to do with the environment my brother's psyche of dealing with people much like him and not venturing out past his soci-economic background. There is deeper pyschological issues at play in the American-African family life. I saw it at my family reunion this past September. We had a great time. As always there is an undercurrent dance of that we all do. I took my nephew and grandchildren and we had a ball. The first thing Issiah said is I want to see Washington DC. I got the message between what he was saying. Yes I want to see family but there are things of importance to know also about the places you are taking me. I crave knowledge of life and the world I must one day live in as an adult. Support me in interpreting my beinginess in this complex universe. So as the aunty, grandmother (Nanny) I'm taking on being the one who supports the young generation in my family that desires to question all that is. They know me when I walk in the room. I see them and they see me. We are different from the rest of the family. We know fear and that drives us to do it any way. We have nothing to lose but our selves in life. We are going for IT.
Over the next year this blog will be the journey of getting to know my grandchildren and the grand adventure my nephew and I are going on. It is also a place where I will tell the truth about me and my son. We love each other. Having an authentic relationship is the hope of one day.
Comments