I just listen to T.D. Jake's message he gave at the Woman Thou Art Loose conference. It was my medicine, balm for what troubled me. He is one of the few ministers who speaks to the soul, who gets to the core of a what ails you or what you desire and spells out a solution. He doesn’t push religion or dead ideology. I heard my Gabriel’s horn tonight. I felt like a tree out in the desert in need of water, nourishment and tonight T.D. Jake's spoke directly to me. All my questions of why am I not connecting with certain people, why relationships feel old disconnected, my jobs is alright but the passion isn’t there anymore. I got the answer.
I know my restlessness has to do with living out loud and my purpose. I never wanted a job. These man made yokes of rules, policies, paperwork and meetings to sit around and to make decisions concerning things that are common sense in nature. I'm laughing now. I'm actually smiling but I wasn't earlier this week. I'm a circle I don't fit in squares or uniforms and people measuring themselves by letter designations and numbers. It's absurd.
Bishop Jake called me out tonight. He ministered divine water to my thirsty mind. I needed to hear each word. I felt the energy of his words resonate inside me awakening a fire again. I understood; understand my frustrations and the circular motion of my efforts are not in vain. I I must have courage. Physically living in a desert is not the desert that afflicted me. I remember hearing the words of a song of being called out of dry places. A friend played it for me a few years ago back in Washington D.C. Thanks Zuri. I didn't get the true meaning, I do now.
My soul is ready, my heart is ready but my mind doubted. This whole time I didn't believe in my abilities, my gifts that were given at birth. I have wisdom now. Yes I would have loved for this to happen ten years ago but I wasn't mentally mature or emotionally either. I AM. For the first time they are all aligned. I don’t need to know where this is going, I’m going. I have been asking people, looking for people to go with me to partner with me, trying to pull elephants to the watering hole. It isn't for them it's for me.
I know why some of you are not with me now. This morning I got twelve new mercies. I got delivered from my mind last night.
My desire to live an authentic life is paramount. I desire to live and those of you who are gone were surviving. I'm living today. I need strategy, a plan to get to my vision of what I see for myself. I must summon the courage to trust my gut feelings and the knowing I've had yet didn't believe. You can’t take me. My momma, father, Ron, granddaddy, Rachel Richard even my son I see the universe, the atom even the particle. You have given me the sight to know these things. So I leap, walk and skip to freedom. I cant take them with me. Have you ever wrestled with God. I have. One night out camping in the woods with Optimum Living. Friends I did. I wrestled all night with why me and what am I suppose to do. I tossed and turned fighting in my sleep, waking up my soul at war with myself. That was actually my stretch in Life Spring.
That morning I stood on a log in front of the Rosetta, Ron, Julie, Margo, Tia, Theresa, April, Kathy and Ronald, Rashun and Rasheed crying snout running out my nose saying it didn’t matter any more what people thought, or what people said I was going through with it. I said, “I’m going to be me and live my life and I wasn’t going to study war no more. I said that. I was an emotional wreck yet inside at peace when I uttered those words. I now know the full meaning. I got off track for a while. And my Father sent a pea to wake me up. Yes those bedtimes stories are real stories of the supernatural. Lying on a pea can be uncomfortable. All week I've had a nagging back ache. Not sharp pain but a dull ache in the small of my back. Sitting, standing or lying down felt uncomfortable. I couldn't focus. I have not been able to focus for months. Living a mediocre life is like lying on a pea. It rained last night. It isn't an accident that it rained last night. Desert smells whiffed through my open window. It is the first rain of the fall. These rains washed away what I left at the spiritual altar inside my mind. Rain poured down shortly after midnight . The winds came up and blew as I prayed my prayer.
Declared myself before my God of understanding. I’m awake now. I’ve come home, I’ve come back to myself. I can reconnect with my people and I know who they are. They know me also by my name. My real name. The rain came down all night washing the insanity all away. Yes I had temporarily lost my mind. From the beginning knew I was called Higher to do a specific purpose, dry place are not always a physical desert but a mentality of not watering my spirit, not being in places that nourishes me, uplifts me to what is next. I’m surrounded by people who are worrying about the mundane. I'm listening to Tracy Chapman right now
"Don't you know talking about a revolution sounds peaceful, poor people gonna rise up and get theirs." I'm a Johnny Appleseed activists, not a civil servant.
Thank you, grandmother, momma, Mother Murphy the one and only Gran Nonnie, grandpa Uncle Sam. I’m awake.
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