An Alien Has Snatched My Body

     

The interesting thing that happened today is nothing. I'm doing nothing. I have been sitting still since the New Year came in and I don't know why. I just texted a friend that I feel so uninspired. Writing any new fiction falls dead. I start excited and just writing away but when I get to the middle of the story it dies. Something happens and I never get back to it. It just sits out there. I have hundreds of them just like this too.What do I desire is the question I keep asking myself. Is this some type of midlife crisis I'm going through? Is fifty the magic number where you question everything? Is there really a wall you hit and getting around it or through it can bring you to the verge of insanity?
I desire to know. I'm tired all the time. Not from work or lack of sleep but from just having no desire to do anything. How did I get here. I'v lost interest in so many things its frightening. Is it mild depression. I don't believe it is. I actually think I'm at a place in life where the next step is not another shot in the dark. It is my truth and being still long enough to figure it out is hard. I have a history of just jumping up and going with what is next. I have leaped off more cliffs than a eagle pushing her young out of the nest. I've fallen, flown and amazed myself but nothing stuck. I can tell you what I don't desire to do but I can't tell you what I do desire to do. Does this sound like a merry go round well it is playing out in my head. I know I'm tired of my job and the thankless people I encounter. You know I've only gotten one letter written about my programs unlike all the others including Jess. I believe this is two fold in many ways. One they love what they are doing and I like what I'm doing. It is a big difference. I think the people are parasites of my energy. Honestly I don't like being around a lot of people. Though I like to socialize it isn't the same when you have people standing in front you demanding to be entertained.
I will not get into that it is another blog. I've had enough of it all to be honest. How does one exit out of the cubicle life into the wide open spaces of my mind. How do I release my mind from the constraints social structures created by the masses, the expectations of living life according to the rational principals of the so called founding fathers. These men I never knew nor held the culture constructs of my ancestors, the lack of a feminist ideal or women theorist imprinted in a doctrine said to enshrine the ideal of free people.
My desk free and open was immediately enclosed with walls, this is what they thought I wanted, needed. Immediately cutoff from each other in our own corners that we peep around to talk to. I can't take it anymore. It is suffocating. Living and working for the man is killing me, silencing me turning me into an alien. My only hope is that some how the "real me" will eject itself at any moment from my stomach throwing off the alien body that enshrouds me.